The Great Lotion Experiment, Part 2

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This post is a continuation of “The Great Lotion Experiment, Part 1.” If you haven’t already read the first post, in which I explain exactly what led me to this point, please start there!

The Experiment

Back in November, something inside of me snapped, and I decided that it would be well worth my time and energy to hunt down a satisfactory replacement for the Vaseline Total Moisture original formula, Queen of Lotions. So I turned to the Internet, spending way more time than I’d like to admit trawling through lotion reviews on Amazon and various blogs. I consulted this thread and researched every lotion mentioned. I narrowed it down to five finalists, ordered them all, and then for weeks whenever people came to visit they’d point to the small city of bottles, tubs, and tubes on my desk and go “Uh…what’s with all the lotion?”

If you were wondering what my general process of elimination was, it was this:

1. I mostly stuck to researching body lotions (as opposed to hand lotions) because in my experience hand lotions are, across the board, richer and more slippery than body lotions. That probably means they are more effective long-term, but I’m someone who washes her hands after she uses the thermostat, so long-term moisturizing is pretty much impossible for me.
2. I also refused to consider anything that had shea butter as one of its ingredients—I’ve never met a shea butter lotion that didn’t leave my hands super greasy-feeling afterwards.
3. I also immediately ruled out anything in which a reviewer noted any sort of greasiness, even if it was minimal.

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Back row, left to right: Vaseline Total Moisture [Discontinued], Vaseline Total Moisture [being phased out, still available], Vaseline Intensive Care, Nivea Extended Moisture, Gold Bond Men’s Everyday Essentials
Front row, left to right: Udderly Smooth Body Cream, Udderly Smooth Hand Cream, Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Fast Absorbing Hand Cream

I gave the new lotions as much of a chance as possible. I spent several weeks using each one exclusively, in order to account for other variables. These are my conclusions.

(For my take on the original Vaseline Total Moisture, the first reformulation, and the new Intensive Care, please see previous post.)

Contestant #1: Nivea

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This is Nivea’s Extended Moisture Body Lotion. I primarily got this because it boasted 1) a “non-greasy formula” and 2) Provitamin B5, which was a feature of The One True Lotion, which gave me hope that maybe this was a similar formula. The horde of Amazon reviewers also noted that it’s definitely not greasy and has a pleasant smell.

The verdict? NOPE. Not only did this leave my hands uncomfortably slippery right after application, it also manages to smell simultaneously of plastic and of something burned, (yet not like burnt plastic) which is an admirably useless olfactory achievement. Good job, human race! You did it!

Also, Amazon reviewers are lying liars.

NEXT.

Contestant #2: Gold Bond (for Men)

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Here we have Gold Bond’s Men’s Everyday Essentials Lotion. I was trying to figure out why I got this instead of, say, regular Gold Bond lotion, but looking at the overwhelming number of options for Gold Bond lotion, I think my thought process went something like this: As a demographic, men must be more averse to slipperiness in their products –> Lotion for men must be formulated to be as unslippery as possible –> Getting a lotion specifically targeted for men must be the secret, QED.

I noticed that reviewers mentioned the lotion having a distinctively “masculine” smell, but as someone who generally likes that sort of stuff, I didn’t think it would bother me.

The verdict: To be fair, this lotion actually did pretty well, though it was a tad inconsistent—most of the time it left my hands with a clean-and-dry feeling that was pretty similar to what I’d get with the original Vaseline lotion formula, though once in a while it would veer into slippery territory.

But the scent—NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE. Like I said, I generally like “masculine” scents, but…how shall I describe the smell of this lotion? This lotion smells like an AXE body-spray-wearing douchebag fell into the vat at the Gold Bond factory. This lotion smells like it was extracted from the sweat of underpaid Abercrombie & Fitch employees. This lotion smells like it became extremely insecure watching those Old Spice commercials and decided to deal with its inferiority complex by overcompensating.

This lotion smells like what happens when decades of marketing and social norms have created a specific expectation for what men must smell like, and then chemistry gets involved, and something goes horribly wrong.

Don’t buy this lotion.

 

snl

 

Contestant #3: Neutrogena Norwegian Formula

 

 

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Next up is Neutrogena’s Norwegian Formula in the “fast absorbing” variety. I actually used the original Norwegian Formula lotion growing up because it worked wonders for my hands, which then were dry to the point of flaking. I remember it having a noticeably greasy afterfeel, but I gave this a chance because the new “fast absorbing” formula promised to be a lot drier, and reviewers claimed that it wasn’t greasy at all.

The verdict: So close. It does indeed go on without much greasiness, but it still left my hands on the slippery side, with the slightest hint of a coating, even when I tried to use as little as possible. The smell, though, is great—gentle, neutrally floral, clean, and totally non-offensive. This lotion arrived weeks after the Nivea and Gold Bond did, and after suffering through their misguided fragrances, the Neutrogena just smelled wonderful.

I wouldn’t recommend this for use if you have to play an instrument of any sort, but it’s actually a really great hand lotion otherwise, so it’s become my go-to-lotion when I’m not playing piano.

Contestants #4 and #5: Udderly Smooth

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I totally bought this Udderly Smooth duo as an afterthought after stumbling across a quilting/sewing forum where people were claiming that Udderly Smooth lotion was dry enough for them to use and still be able to hold a needle. If it’s good enough for quilters, it’s good enough for pianists, right? I assumed that the tub (the body cream) and the tube (hand cream) were the same lotion just in different packaging, and just got the duo because 1) it was reasonably priced and 2) the tube would allow me to take it on the go.

The verdict: I was totally disappointed at first when I just used the stuff from the tub. Like the Neutrogena, the lotion has a fantastic smell—light, floral-creamy, oddly comforting—but it left my hands super-slippery, even more so than any of the other lotions. I felt like the quilters of the internet had totally let me down, and now I was stuck with a giant tub of useless lotion.

Then I tried the tube, and realized that they were actually different formulas.* The hand cream in the tube was an entirely different story: while it still had that great smell, it went on with a significantly drier consistency, enough that I could play immediately afterwards without my hands sliding off the black keys. I don’t have to surreptitiously wipe my hands on my pants after using it. It’s also not so dry that it leaves my hands feeling oddly sticky. It’s not as brilliant as the original Vaseline—you won’t find me writing sonnets about it (maybe a haiku or two, though)—but you know what? It works. And in the end, that’s all I really want out of a lotion. That, and cow-spotted packaging.
*Just to make sure it wasn’t all in my head, I checked the ingredient lists—they really are different.

The Winner

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So, after several months of thorough testing and practicing, the winner of my little lotion tournament is the punnily named Udderly Smooth hand cream. Get it. Love it.

Quilters, thank you. Pianists, you’re welcome. Vaseline, you’re fired.

This post contains affiliate links. If you click on these links and buy anything from Amazon, I’ll get a tiny commission. Kindly use them so I can earn back a small fraction of the money I spent buying more lotion than any sane person should have.

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Things I learned from a self-defense class, Part 1

The armless rubber dummy I punched to hell and back today. His name is Bob, he’s actually a really nice guy.

Today I found myself in a T-shirt, exercise pants, and sneakers—clothes I have not worn for months/years/eons? The longest part of getting dressed today involved trying to find the rarely-worn exercise pants I had stashed away somewhere in my room. (It was in my “clothes I rarely wear but may need sometimes” drawer, which I had forgotten that I had, thus negating the purpose of having that drawer in the first place.)

The reason for abandoning my usual quasi-hipster, too-lazy-to-be-a-style-blogger wardrobe today was that I was taking a self-defense class, geared towards high school girls who want to protect themselves at college, so count me as being late to the party. It’s a two-day workshop, so who knows? Tomorrow I may learn more to warrant a Part 2 to this post. Stay tuned, maybe! (Who are we kidding, this is me! Every time I promise a blog post soon, I end up having an accidental months-long hiatus. Don’t expect a Part 2, but do be pleasantly surprised if there is one.)

This post isn’t to tell you how to defend yourself if you’re attacked—take a class yourself, you lazy blog-reader you! Rather, it’s a list of little ramble-headed musings I had during four hours of kicking, striking, and all-around pain creating.

1. It is totally, awesomely possible to teach about the psychology of violence without resorting to stupid sexist victim-blaming. In case you haven’t noticed, I am really frustrated by the damaging, stupid idea that kidnappings, rapes, and murders occur because some girl somewhere wore a short skirt and it made some poor well-meaning guy rape her, so it’s tooootally her fault. I was worried that this would be one of those things where a guy puffed up with male privilege and condescension lectures on the crime-triggering nature of nice clothes and pretty girls and just wants to tell us that if we don’t ever want to get raped we should just wear burlap sacks, but it very amazingly wasn’t! In teaching us about criminal motivation, Mr. Cool Instructor referenced the same study I threw at that one asshole that one time and told us that the number one thing that attackers look for is vulnerability. Victim-shaming was a wonderfully irrelevant non-fact. A+ and a pro-equality fistbump, guys.

2. Dude! Great posture is the best thing in the world. One of the first things we were made to do was stand up straight as if our shoulder blades were against a wall, and hoooly cow, you will not believe what a difference a slightly straightened spine makes.

3. Once you get to the how-tos of punching and kicking, this self-defense business is a fantastic way to release any primal pent-up rage. That horrible racist/sexist/homophobic person you wish you didn’t know? Someone who used to push you around? Some idiot who left a terrible Youtube comment once? Your own frustration with society and your own self-fulfillment? Just punch a rubber dummy or beat up an instructor wearing heavy padding until he’s in a fetal position on the ground. Rage, gone. Enjoy your new zen outlook on life.

4. Self-defense oddly teaches you things that martial arts don’t necessarily. I did capoeira for four years, so I’m not a martial arts expert by all means, but we learned all our fancy kicks and strikes with the intention of not actually hurting our opponents. In a self-defense class, you just zoom in on all the painful things you can do to a person.

5. High school girls can be really immature. I say this both as a former high school girl and as someone who watched a group of them giggle as the instructor straddled a “victim” on the ground, giggle as they half-heartedly threw some slaps, and exclaim things like “this is so amusing!”

6. The human body is an amazing thing. We are built with so many natural defenses, yet at the same time we’re covered in kill switches that you can easily go for if you know how. In the same vein, it is amazing how many ways there are to seriously hurt someone without using excessive force. Knowledge is power. Very painful power. Remember that, kids. Ow.

7. Even in a safe, monitored environment, where you’re getting “punched” by foam blocks and “choked” by a partner who weighs about a hundred pounds, it is incredible how many injuries you can rack up. I walked away today with an alarmingly hurt wrist, a bruised elbow and knees, a stubbed toe, and oddly sore shoulders. Oh, and take a look at this gratuitous close-up of my leg.

You know it’s time to think about your life choices when you’re posting bruise photos of your leg to a public blog. Hello clients, parents, and famous musicians! Don’t you love my hair follicles?

8. I want to explain something to all the guys of the world. We were told very firmly that even if it may seem rude, you should totally, aggressively tell strange guys who approach you to back off, even if they haven’t actually done anything. I realize that this encourages utterly—how shall I put it delicately?—bitchy behavior, so men of the world? I’m sorry if some woman you’re just trying to talk to gets totally aggressive and raises her voice and tells you to go away, but we’d rather be “bitchy” than raped or killed. (And while you’re at it, read “Shroedinger’s Rapist. You’re welcome.)

9. Small, skinny girls can be surprisingly aggressive. That is all.

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My two cents on this whole gay marriage kerfluffle

(Because Neil Patrick Harris is awesome)

1. Why isn’t it legal already? Are we really still debating this?

2. I’m so tired of people waving the “marriage is an ancient tradition that’s been around for thousands of years!” flag. Because yes, marriage has been around for a long time. But it’s not like marriage has been the same thing since Day 1. For a long time marriage was a way for women to be transferred to men as property, outside of the realm of the church. It wasn’t considered a religious union until only a few centuries ago, and the entire idea that marriage should be based on love is a development so recent that it’s still not universal. The modern love-based American marriage is still not considered an equal relationship, but the idea of the “peer marriage” is growing in popularity.

What does that mean? It means marriage is a constantly evolving institution. There’s no reason for anyone to say that it should stop now to stagnate in a cesspool of inequality. Let’s let it keep evolving and be recognized for what it is: what happens when two consenting, mature people love each other and want to  celebrate their love without shame, regardless of their descriptors. Gay marriage is a way for us to take back an old tradition from its outdated, imbalanced roots and show that marriage isn’t about what you are, it’s about who you love.

If something is morally right merely based on how long it’s been around, that makes slavery right and computer chips wrong. Let’s stop playing the “this is how it’s always been, so that’s the only way it’s right” card!

Edit on May 22: Found this article; this guy is way more thorough than me. Same (and more) points, better delivery.

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